Heard this jok at the weekend

JockoJocko Posts: 7,006Member, Moderator
edited August 2016 in Totally Not Guitars
Heard this one at the weekend:A sheep, a horse and a cow share a bedsit. One night the cow comes home drunk and says to the horse: “Mooooove over.”The horse says: “Neighhhh bother.”The sheep falls out the other side of the bed and says: “Baaaaastards!”

Comments

  • The23rdmanThe23rdman Posts: 1,560Member

    I don't have that chip in my brain. Jokes instantly disappear into the ether!

  • JockoJocko Posts: 7,006Member, Moderator

    Used to come home with loads of jokes when I was working, but now they are few and far between.  Might get some good ones posted here!

  • Mark PMark P Posts: 2,312Member

    First that popped into the head was one of the traditional guitarist jokes:-

    Q) How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb

    A) 100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to stop the lead guitarist stealing the light again,

    ... just one of so many of that ilk. Then my mind went blank - its usual state.

     

    except:-

    So a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors."

     

    SORRY!

  • lancpudnlancpudn Posts: 1,393Member
    SCOTTISH  LOVE STORY 
     Angus lay dying in his bed.
    While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. 
    He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the  railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. 
    With laboured breath, he leaned against the  door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.. 
    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scots wife Jeannie of sixty years, seeing to it that he left  this world a happy man? 
    Mustering one great final effort, Angus threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .... off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
  • MegiMegi Posts: 7,115Member

    That's a good one lanc! I really was lol there, cheers!

  • JockoJocko Posts: 7,006Member, Moderator

    Yes.  Really appreciated that one.

  • ESBlondeESBlonde Posts: 893Member

    Heard at a jam session this weekend.

     

    My mate looked me up and down and said 'look at that fat gut, if it was on a girl she'd be pregnant'.

    I said "It has been, and she is".

     

     

     

  • JockoJocko Posts: 7,006Member, Moderator

    How do you make a Scotch omelette?  First borrow three eggs.

  • lancpudnlancpudn Posts: 1,393Member

    This made me laugh, a redneck drum machine.

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_Kqc3_m8rQ&feature=youtu.be

  • JockoJocko Posts: 7,006Member, Moderator

    Brilliant.

  • Ape09090Ape09090 Posts: 2,744Member

    Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.

    I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
    I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

  • StubblehoundStubblehound Posts: 106Member

    Ok, I thought I would make my mark on the forum and bring the tone down.

     

    This is a link to a well known product on amazon. Read the customer product reviews.

     

    Beware these reviews contain the occasional swear word, but they are funny.

     

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-M...cm_cr_pr_product_top

     

  • Richards GuitarsRichards Guitars Posts: 589Member, Administrator
    Originally Posted by Stubblehound:

    Ok, I thought I would make my mark on the forum and bring the tone down.

     

    This is a link to a well known product on amazon. Read the customer product reviews.

     

    Beware these reviews contain the occasional swear word, but they are funny.

     

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-M...cm_cr_pr_product_top

     

    OMG - I have to say, I shouldn't say this but the first one I read was hilarious.  Is that for real?  Could go on a TV show!

  • lancpudnlancpudn Posts: 1,393Member
    Originally Posted by Stubblehound:

    Ok, I thought I would make my mark on the forum and bring the tone down.

     

    This is a link to a well known product on amazon. Read the customer product reviews.

     

    Beware these reviews contain the occasional swear word, but they are funny.

     

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-M...cm_cr_pr_product_top

     

    LOLOLOLOLOL Those are hilarious, thanks for the link.

  • Richards GuitarsRichards Guitars Posts: 589Member, Administrator

    28000 people found the review useful!!! LOL I suppose it is!!! HA HA HA

  • StubblehoundStubblehound Posts: 106Member

    722 reviews.  I'm still laughing at the one that made a poem about it.

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