The Victor Meldrew Thread

Screaming DaveScreaming Dave Posts: 758Member
edited April 19 in Totally Not Guitars
I think a large proportion of us are .... how shall I put it? . ...... more experienced chaps: men of the world, even, but with that experience comes a tendency not to suffer fools or foolishness gladly. To put it bluntly and colloquially, we don't take no sh!t off no-one!

So here's your chance, fellows, to let rip about the things that really, really annoy you ...

Me first .... bananas ....

It seems to me that bananas used to come ready to eat, if you so desired. You could nip into the supermarket at lunchtime, buy a sandwich (don't even get me started on modern sandwich fillings!) and a banana, safe in the knowledge that it would be just ripe and nice to eat after you'd enjoyed your sandwich. But now, they're ALWAYS green. Sometimes barely a hint of yellow at all. You have to take them home to ripen, then they all ripen on the same day and half of them are black and look like dried-out slugs by the time you're ready to eat them! Let's hope Theresa May addresses that one in the coming election!
«1

Comments

  • LesterLester Posts: 1,520Member, Moderator
    My pet hate is people who park on, and thus block, pavements. For example, the number of mothers I see with a baby in a buggy and a toddler on foot that have to walk on busy roads because of cars blocking the pavement, or the blind lady I saw most days (before I moved) would have to be led by her guide dog onto the road to walk parallel to the pavement. Very clever dog, very brave lady, very selfish parking.

    As for bananas, Margaret Thatcher was a grocer's daughter and would have been the PM to ask about bananas, Theresa May is a vicar's daughter.
  • Screaming DaveScreaming Dave Posts: 758Member
    Yeah, I'm with you on the parking thing. Grrrrrr!

    I guess Mrs May would be the one to ask about apples, then
  • onemanbandonemanband Posts: 91Member
    What annoys me is Apathy!

    I'd talk more about it but I can't be bothered.
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    edited April 20
    Litter. Particulary dog poo tied up in bags and hung in bushes, dropped on pavements. No. Worse. Kids who have picnics in the park or on the beach and leave the lot in a pile. These are supposed to be the ones caring about the environment.

    I do a lot of litter picking.
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    edited April 20
    Cushions... Why do we have loads of cushions ?

    I sit down (anyone's house) and then realise something's really annoying me. Then I realise my back is thrust upwards because I'm lying atop a great bloody pile of cushions. Sofas were designed to be perfectly comfortable without.

  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    edited April 20
    Gender neutral loos. We have them fitted at our local theatre. They comprise a urinal and pan, sink and .... MIRROR.

    Women are clearly doing their make-up, the time they take. But the other issue is that men could line up four at a time in a gents in a fraction of the space, keeping out of the way of the ladies.

    Now there is a massive queue - and women are caught up behind men too. Equality does not equal common sense.

    Coming to a place near you soon. Nightmare !

    I'm liking this Victor Meldrew thread.
  • nicholaspaulnicholaspaul Posts: 619Member
    Oh the catharsis... I agree Kevin, good stuff :-)

    I hadn't thought about bananas. Good point though.
    Parking? Definitely. What gets me is people parking at the end of a row, FOUR FEET from the end. What a waste of space!

    Cushions- that's my house! I'm always chucking cushions off before sitting down. Lol (if you're reading this darling, i think the cushions are fine really. Really ...)

    Ok here's mine. Yes, being of that age, I could write a book of these too!
    Cafe Seating.
    A table with four seats is meant for at least two people. If you are on your own, please do not take up an entire table of four, because people are so scared of sitting with strangers! The amount of times I've tried to find a table for two or more where all the four seaters are occupied by singular diners is nauseating! My wife is very cool though. She's probably the only person I've seen approach a stranger and ask if we could share his table. I know I wouldn't mind, but few would ask. As we sat there, the chap was polite, kept himself to himself and kept reading his paper. It was perfectly fine!
    I think more people should be able to speak up to ask to share a table, and singles shouldn't take up table meant for more than one.
    It's a general sort of Think of Others attitude that is lacking.

    Time for another?
    Food Descriptions
    Why does it take sixteen words to describe a cheese sandwich? Because it's not just any old cheese sandwich. Oh no, it's a Mild smoked Gloucestershire cheddar with thinly sliced Somerset Cherry tomatoes and seven grain wholewheat enriched focaccia. Right. You can't buy orange juice anymore. It's something like Freshly squeezed organically grown Southern Spanish Clementine juice. I'm a graphic designer and couldn't imagine working on product design for these hippies! Writers are bad enough when they want four thousand words crammed into the space the size of a large postage stamp, but trying to achieve any sort of balance or impact with modern food titles would drive me loopy! Having been out of the country for twenty years, I didn't notice this verbosity creep in, so it sort of hit me hard. Of course, I need glasses to read now so to tell if I'm buying lemonade or lager I have to take a few second steps longer to don my specs.
    Oo it makes me seethe!
  • nicholaspaulnicholaspaul Posts: 619Member

    Gender neutral loos. We have them fitted at our local theatre. They comprise a urinal and pan, sink and .... MIRROR.

    Women are clearly doing their make-up, the time they take. But the other issue is that men could line up four at a time in a gents in a fraction of the space, keeping out of the way of the ladies.

    Now there is a massive queue - and women are caught up behind men too. Equality does not equal common sense.

    Coming to a place near you soon. Nightmare !

    I'm liking this Victor Meldrew thread.

    I haven't seen those yet. But you're right, that's really ridiculous!

  • nicholaspaulnicholaspaul Posts: 619Member
    Just looking at the B&Q website .... why is lumber now sold in mm???? Why can't I buy an 8' length of 2 x 1 anymore? Mm just gives you too many digits to remember. Grrr..
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    edited April 21
    Good ones Nick. You've got me donning my flat cap now.

    OK.

    - Bags on seats on trains ! Aaaargh ! Especially when people are standing.

    - Tailgaiters

    - Drivers indicating Left all the way around a round-a-bout

    - People squeezing ahead at the bar

    - Cherry Coke in a can that looks just like Diet Coke (the exact antithesis in flavour)

    - People fussing with coins and vouchers at the checkout, why weren't they at the ready ?

    - Being ignored after saying hello/good morning to someone.

    - Gary Lineker - just so smug

    Of the toilets issue. We now have blokes peeing up the back of the building and drinking only halves - so the bar take is well down. Perhaps the proprietors will get the message.



  • Screaming DaveScreaming Dave Posts: 758Member
    Don't get me started on food descriptions, especially crisps. They are NOT Davidstow Cheddar and Red Onion, they're CHEESE & ONION. I defy anyone, including those smug TV chefs, to tell the difference between crisps flavoured with Davidstow Cheddar and those flavoured with any other kind of cheese. Crisp manufacturers, don't ask me to pay another pound a bag just because you've given them a poncy title and you couldn't be bothered to peel them!

    And my real, REAL pet hate ... automated telephone answering systems. What's wrong with people? Believe it or not, I like people, I really do. I want to talk to a person, even if they're a spotty oik who's completely disinclined to help me (because I'm eventually going to get onto them anyway, so....)

    More to come, but I need to go and lie down .....
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    edited April 22
    Cyclists riding side-by-side on busy one-lane roads.

    We were trying to get my son off to university by train and very nearly missed our connection for a long distance journey. A tailback of at least a mile going 15mph in a 40mph limit. Others in that queue would doubtless have been trying to get to work or go to important appointments.

    Two cyclists were holding up a heavy lorry at the head of the queue.

    Cyclist friends of mine say "If you can't overtake two cyclists you shouldn't be overtaking at all. Na, naa, na, naaa NAAAA !"

    Well

    -A bad overtaker isn't going to give you the right amount of room even if you pair up. All you are doing is teaching good overtakers an unneeded (and very inconvenient) lesson. You are not my teacher, you self righteous little twerp !

    - Drivers then have to drive faster to get where they need to be once you are out of their way. (As did I this morning) increasing the risks for all road users.

    - I dislike bad drivers as much as you, but I surround myself in metal and mirrors to protect myself from them - you, however, have decided to mingle in heavy traffic atop a modified coat hanger wearing a gymslip with an eggbox on your head.

    Finally

    - It always happens (as with you this morning) that you are chatting whilst side-by-side. One would have thought (in a spirit of mutual respect and awareness) that you would at least cycle as fast as you reasonably can to help other road users out.

    Now, I don't advocate violence but I fully understand why some cyclists get biffed.

    **Rant over**
  • onemanbandonemanband Posts: 91Member
    edited April 22
    Dear dear, some real pent up angst & anger here, no wonder "One Foot In The Grave" was so funny!!
    I'd find something really worth worrying about.
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    edited April 22
    These musings are merely a light hearted distraction from the very real worries I'm sure that all of us have.
  • nicholaspaulnicholaspaul Posts: 619Member
    Hehe thanks Kevin. Oh the seats on train thing. Grief. The thing that makes it worse is my wife and I are so aware of other people we wouldn't dream of doing that!

    With people at the bar - I'm so onto them! I'm not a boisterous character but when I have to be, I can push in front of the in-front-of-pushers and loudly (smiling!) get my order in first. Little punks don't know what hit em.


    Feeling better now, Dave?

    Dear dear, some real pent up angst & anger here, no wonder "One Foot In The Grave" was so funny!!
    I'd find something really worth worrying about.

    Oh we found lots of things worth worrying about.

    These musings are merely a light hearted distraction from the very real worries I'm sure that all of us have.

    It's very cathartic isn't it!!

    If you are on Twitter, make sure you follow Very British Problems, or at least pick up the book. Very funny stuff, and so SO true.


    Here's one that puts my blood pressure in the danger zone...
    People talking on the phone while being served by a cashier. Please have the courtesy to talk to the person who is kind enough to serve you rather than hacking away at someone whoknowshowmanymiles away!
    I used to work in retail, and once had a customer stand at the till, seriously chatting up a girl on the phone. I mean, he was laying it on THICK. My manager gave us all license to wait for customers to get off the phone before serving them, so I just stood there and listened and acted like he was talking to me.
    ...are you busy tonight?
    ...well actually I have to work, but..
    ... I could come over.
    ...well do you have my address...?
    When he cottoned on to what I was doing he suddenly looked really horrified, and apologized profusely, backpedalling like crazy. OH NO NOT YOU IM ON THE PHONE DID YOU THINK OH MAN IM SOOO SORRY...
    When I started to laugh, he laughed, and we cracked up together, it was hilarious. But I don't think he tried that one again.

  • nicholaspaulnicholaspaul Posts: 619Member
    Man, I write a lot...

    Yea the cyclists thing gets to me too, particularly as I'm a cyclist and a driver.
    Hey cyclists, you're mainly flesh and bone, and my vehicle weighs about a third of a ton - YOU DO THE MATHS,
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    I'm a cyclist too. I don't even wear an eggbox, just my flat cap. I cycle for leisure on routes that aren't busy - or on cycle paths. And I shout at kids "I dooon't belieeeeve it !" if they get in my way.
  • onemanbandonemanband Posts: 91Member
    edited April 23

    These musings are merely a light hearted distraction from the very real worries I'm sure that all of us have.

    Yeah, I know, I was merely having a laugh and being mischievous!!
    As it happens, I have just encountered one of my pet hates……unremovable apparantly permanently fixed, "Sticky" labels, attached to items, particularly when bought as gifts, that deface said item and leave blemishes & goo when finally removed!!
    (And why oh why do they ALWAYS put there f***ing sticky labels over the instructions or information)!!!
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    You'd think...

    Why make a label that needs the production of a special label remover liquid ???
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    Wheelchairs in the London Marathon. Taking the p*** surely ? Most of it is coasting.
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    Marathon runners in general. How many hip/knee replacements does it inflict on the NHS ?
  • nicholaspaulnicholaspaul Posts: 619Member
    LOL @"Kevin Peat"
  • nicholaspaulnicholaspaul Posts: 619Member
    Bottles waiting for the time we go past the recycling depot, sitting in plastic bags in the back of the car, making it sound like I'm driving a milk float.

    Grrr.
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    Clink-clink-clink...

    But without the *benefits*

    We get collections, fortunately.
  • SilversharkSilvershark Posts: 22Member
    People who press the button at the pedestrian crossing when there's clearly no traffic in sight and walk straight across. Then you drive up 30 seconds later and hit a red light with no one wanting to cross? Arghh!

    People who wear huge rucksacks on their back in the rush hour on the tube and are completely oblivious to what's going on behind them.
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    We can tell where you live then, Silvershark !
  • nicholaspaulnicholaspaul Posts: 619Member

    Clink-clink-clink...

    But without the *benefits*

    We get collections, fortunately.

    Haha oh that would be so handy! Wish we could chuck em in the blue bin.

    Silver shark, yes and yes. I will only press the button when it's heavy traffic.

    ...
    Luggage on wheels in crowded areas. If I trip on one of those things, I swear, I'm hucking it in the path of the next train!

  • onemanbandonemanband Posts: 91Member
    edited April 24
    "Professional" football players who collectively play badly in order to get their manager fired, blatantly cheating the fans who PAY to watch the game, by obviously not providing their best effort and then, having got rid of that manager, suddenly "find" their form again.
    F***ing CHEATS!!!
  • Kevin PeatKevin Peat Posts: 2,816Member
    Must be extremely frustrating for the outgoing manager. Footballers are a lot like children.
  • Screaming DaveScreaming Dave Posts: 758Member
    People who visit a cosmopolitan city, like Barcelona, and dress like they're on a jungle safari and use walking poles! The good people of Barcelona don't feel the need to dress for jungle warfare or as if they're about to trek up to Mount Everest base camp, so why should you!!!
Sign In or Register to comment.